I Don't Understand It..
I've been reading threads about how people go cold turkey and somehow endure it. I really can't begin to fathom how that is even possible. Obviously it is, but right now i'm laying in bed (just starting day 2 of being clean) feeling like complete and utter shite. I barely got any sleep last night and i woke up to the worst diarrhea dump i've ever taken in my life. I have work in the afternoon and just thinking about it makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. The only good thing about going into work today is that i get paid, and getting paid means i can get my fix (DOC is 30mg Roxicets which i snort). I know that isn't a good outlook but i really can't keep feeling this way. I was taking suboxone and went 10 days clean. I also went to meetings but i still had the worst cravings imaginable - i finally gave in. Just thinking about getting the pills, crushing them up, blowing them and then having that drip makes me go nuts. There honestly isn't anything better than the taste of a roxicet drip. I feel very lost at this point. I really want to get clean but i can't imagine my life without pills. This might sound crazy but i feel like a better person when i'm high. It puts me in a great mood and makes me feel very energetic. Hell, i actually like going to work when i'm high. When i'm high at home i get a lot of stuff done that i know i wouldn't do if i was sober. When i'm sober i'm always in a bad mood and am non-productive. I'm 21 and know that this is no way to live and i got my whole life in front of me. I don't know what to do.. i'm lost..