Bill,
Thanks too for an inspiring post. In the clandestine and foreign services one learns not to look in the mirror or fails. That is to say they have to learn that the adversary does not think like they do with whatever altruism or evil they may see inside. In order to understand that admonishment we have to first look inside and look in all our corners, shocking though we might think we will find some. The old truism that "Nothing so needs changing as the habits of another" becomes for those seemingly obsessed with control issues that they have looked and run, or refused to look at all inside themselves. When all is said and done, more is said than done comes to mind. I liked the psychology of AA. It will work for many, but frighten away others. Many fear any God as either a possible reality or one they can't face living with or without. So they fight to remove themselves by immersing themselves in a repudiation of what they claim to be mere superstition. If there are indeed no monsters under the bed we don't try convince everybody 24/7 that there are no monsters under the bed. It is a given and we can let others discover that themselves as we know no one could convince us that there were none until we were ready to face that knowledge.
Drinking isn't the flaw. Drinking was the solution. It served as our blinders so we didn't have to look . . . inside. You are still looking. Being too much of a perfectionist when you look? Could that be the worse of the two? The frustration of not being able to completely overcome our nature? Or the frustration at a task that needs to be perfect? We can change the inanimate, because we are a dynamic? It is harder to change ourselves because we are dynamic, and a moving target.
The looking is the thing, only knowing a possibility of self forgiveness allows it. But until we really look we don't know if we can forgive ourselves. Quite a conundrum for some. Funny how the ones we feared facing the most are simple to fix with a simple acknowledgment, acceptance, and an "I won't do that again," followed by not doing that thing.
Quitting drinking first, then we at least have the "possibility" of "knowing ourselves." Knowing ourselves we have the possibility of forgiving ourselves. Then we can change ourselves. I also have a lot to thank AA for. They did show me what I had to work on, and what I had already done.
Early in life I had some startling awareness thrust upon me. It made my life a joy, and my careers wonderful. Alcohol was my way of dealing with ethics issues in business after retirement from the military. My honor code was just not successful in the civilian sector. I looked in the mirror. Found gentle honesty and assumed it in others. Oops!
Sober I now can live a life, instead of living a lie. I am content. I let go of the world and surprise surprise, it still spins on its axis and the day still comes. I have the time to find what I want, instead of what I want of others.