Even after accepting this step.... even after believing it......even after being convinced I "got it" I was encouraged to double-back and review my current agnosticism - to look for those areas where my ego had rebuilt and I had, through my actions, decided "God is nothing."
Even on my worst days I don't think you'd ever hear me say "I think God is nothing." Even on my best days though, it wouldn't be too tough to find at least a moment where my actions would indicate I'm back to running my life again and not relying upon God - absolutely insane given the the revelations I had in step 1 where I saw how much I needed God's help to overcome the obsession, the allergy and the spiritual malady - all conditions I can't beat with my own power.
So in my "coming to" in step 2, a big part of the process is continually searching for my current agnosticism... looking for the areas where my ego has reasserted itself and eased God out.
My current experience shows me my ego is most likely to do this in two areas: 1. When I'm afraid. Common sense would tell me that if something's got me scared that it's a great time to turn to God. My history/inventory shows me that when I'm nervous or scared, I retreat back to old tools: my intellect, my willpower, my ability to manipulate or lie. 2. When I feel great and/or when I feel I'm at the top of my game I get lulled into thinking I'm good, I've got this. No need for God now....I'm on the straight and narrow.
Typically, both of these situations lead to my butt winding up in a sling. The consequences of my actions get progressively more painful until I'm so detached and hurting so bad that, once again, I'm at the jumping off point......all over again.
Can God help me? Will he help me? Can/will He help me
now, when I need Him the most? Have I angered him or pushed Him away one too many times? Have I wandered too far from the spiritual path to get back on it again? Am I just making too much of the pain and this situation really calls for more drive and exertion of my will 'cuz it's really just a test to see if I can overcome my fears?
These doubts.....partially based in agnosticism and partially based in even more fear than I had when this whole ball started rolling forces me to once again go back and re-choose: God's everything or He's nothing. By this point, the pain is typically so bad that all I can think is "He BETTER be everything because if He's nothing, my ship is sunk." Once again, faced with alcoholic destruction (all while not drinking, mind you), I've been surrendered... the white flags are up an I'm willing to go to God......again.
Music called this an ongoing process and I'd absolutely concur. To expect that I'll work this step perfectly and without any missteps smacks of the same agnostic ego all over again. What I do see is that, usually, my "dry relapses" don't go quite as deep and I can spot them more quickly. Bear in mind, usually doesn't mean always. From what I've learned from LOTS and lots of ppl who've gone before me, there likely WILL be times when I don't spot it, when I slip deeper into my alcoholism than I've been before, or maybe that I just dig deeper and awaken to some stuff in my life that really messes me up. Common sense would tell me I better prepare for these future dark patches by grooving my going-to-God skills..... like a pro golfer grooves his swing on the practice range.
Hmm.....I wonder if if wouldn't make sense to make this spiritual way of living MY way of living for the rest of my life......maybe I need to make a decision to do this stuff for real and for good.
