Originally Posted by
scaredsillie 
As I've said to my mother before, I know that I have it in me to go on with this as long as he can, it's just not something I want to do anymore.
I've told him and everyone else involved that I've had enough of this in my life.
I'm changing and growing, he sways back and forth.
I'm just doing what I have to do right now and biding my time until I am capable of branching out on my own, and I'm okay with that decision. For now.
I too just want to be happy,secure,and stable.. but now I know that I cannot depend on him for those things, so I am doing it myself.
I still have mixed emotions, because I do love the man hiding behind the addiction.. but I hate when the addiction shows its ugly face.
It would be one thing if it were just the two of us, you know?
I wouldn't think twice about leaving, but I will not be out on the streets with my son.. we ARE taken care of at the moment, and don't need for anything but his fathers sobriety... so, like I said.. once I can do this on my own we will probably be gone.. far,far away, where him visiting will be unlikely to damn near impossible, and sadly that gives me some comfort.
That is the super hard part....hearing or seeing that person that you fell in love with that you KNOW is in there somewhere. It's not like I can just stop talking to him because I have a child with him. What do you do?
So, I try to keep it about our son. If he is clean, he can see him if he is not he cannot. I just need to keep things civil until our separation agreement is filed.
I CAN'T financially do it on my own right now and it's hard to not rely on child support because he hasn't lost his job or anything. He actually does okay at work but its the at home part that is a struggle.
I'm staying with my parents until I can get some debt paidoff and get my own place...hopefully within 2 months. We will see. I hoping that with a tax return check and me saving as much as I can, I can pay the remainder of my student loans back, plus a personal loan that is almost paid off and two very small credit cards.
If I can do that, I will no longer have about $400 in debt per month that could be used elsewhere.