What are the odds I can beat it this time?
I have to confess that the reason I have been away from the boards of late is because my alcoholism has been catching up with me again. I have been trying to deny it but I can see that it is true. I have just calculated that in the past 15 days, I have been sober for nine (not consecutively) and drinking for six. On two of those six days I also smoked dope, something I basically gave up long ago. It is not my aim to be "half" sober. My goal is to be sober and happy. The next phrase is not an excuse but just an observation. Christmas and New Year are always tough times for alcoholics and I was also obliged to work night shifts which are especially disruptive for me physically and mentally.
So, the question now is how to return to the productive, happy and sober lifestyle which I achieved before? I think one very small practical thing I can do is post here more regularly and also keep a record in a little book in which I ask myself the following questions on paper. Did I drink today? Did I go to a meeting? Did I read a reflection and pray? What were my achievements? (healthy food, sensible bedtime etc). What are the realistic goals I have for tomorrow? Did I meet the goals I set for myself yesterday?
I have reached this point after going to three different AA meetings today. There's no magic to it, but I really did not feel like drinking after leaving the third meeting.
Before I sleep, one ironic story. I decided to buy myself a bottle of expensive carrot juice as a treat for not drinking booze for a few days (I say expensive: it's half the price of a cocktail in a bar!). I then went to another shop, bent down to buy some vegetables and the carrot juice went crashing to the ground, causing a great noise and mess. I went to get the manager and he was very understanding and cleared it up. I did wonder though what his reaction would have been if it been a bottle of booze that I'd smashed on his floor when I'd been drunk. I am sure he'd have been decidedly less understanding and it would have reminded me what a complete ass I can be when I get a bottle in my hand.
Oh, by the way. I found another shop around the corner which sells carrot juice in paper cartons. Must be the old alcoholic in me which discovered another way to get my fix!