I am the mama of an addict who has been in and out of the revolving door of recovery/active addiction for many many years. I have lived through his OD's, his court cases and jail time, his many many rehabs and detox's, and tried many times to "help" him by letting him move home...a disaster every single time.
I tried, I cried, and I begged, bribed, threatened and did everything I could to help him. I now realize that his addiction was never mine to "manage". Only he can do that. If love could save our addict children, not one of us would be here.
Did I blame myself? No, my son is a foster-son who came from a family where every person was addicted to something, his sister died of addiction one Christmas day several years back, and he knew better, he knew his odds were not good if he "tried" drugs.
We have not seen or heard from my son in about 8 years now. He knows how to find us if he gets clean (we have moved during that time). If he is not clean, I don't want to hear from him because I simply cannot live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time.
How do I get through my days? I say a prayer every morning asking God to take care of my son. Then I live the rest of the day well, as life is meant to be lived. I find joy in every sunrise and I live in faith today, rather than the fear I lived in for so many years. It took time for me to heal, to work my program of recovery and find my balance again, but today I am grateful for a life worth living and for all those who walk this road of recovery with me.
I will add your son to my prayers, and you also. It is heart breaking to be the parent of an addict. I keep the candle of hope burning in my heart, right next to the loving memories of my son and how he used to be before addiction stole his soul. I will add a candle of hope for your son too.
Hugs