Originally Posted by
missg 
One of the toughest lessons I have learned in my life is that just because I love someone doesn't mean that I should be with them. One of the most essential lessons I have learned in recovery is this. Feelings are neither good or bad-they just are. I can acknowledge and respect them but that doesn't mean I have to act them out. My actions, unlike my feelings, are a choice. I would never say that love is not important but it is only one of many important factors to consider in the choice of a partner.
I do not know what you should do. I do know that today my choice is not to get into romantic relationships with alcoholics and other deeply troubled people. My experience has been that the pain of a breakup with someone I love is nothing compared to the sheer hell of riding the relapse roller coaster for years with an alcoholic who just won't or can't get it. Someone who has no trouble destroying their own lives has no problems taking everyone else's down with them. Alcoholics really only love one thing. Booze. They love it because it works to do everything they want it to do.
As both a recovering alcoholic and someone with a history of being in relationships with addicts who just don't seem to be able to 'get it' I can tell you that there were big red flags here all along. A really basic rule for a recovering alcoholic is not to get into any romantic relationships for a year! I'm sure that if his counselors in rehab knew that he was writing you love letters they would have cracked down on him and 'knocked him upside the head'! Obviously that time would have been better spent working on his written relapse prevention plan than indulging in the escape of romantic fantasy. He had absolutely no business getting into a relationship with you or anyone! Another red flag is how you describe the intensity of your love......people who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable,unstable and chaotic tend to replace real intimacy with an intensity that can be very compelling. Paradoxically, healthy long-lasting and really loving relationships are high in intimacy but low in intensity. Even if he were to get sober and into a solid recovery it takes a good long time before someone is capable of real intimacy and relationship. Years.
Given that you are in vet school you are clearly a very bright, hard working focused and caring person. You deserve a man in your life who can share the values,world view and kinds of behaviors that got you where you are. Thing is,we don't get what we deserve in life...we get what we BELIEVE we deserve. So I ask you.....is this all you believe you deserve in terms of a loving, available,stable partner?
I never even knew of the one year of no relationships rule until last week. He never said anything about it and I know his counselors definitely knew about me the whole time because they opened all their mail, and I sent him numerous pictures and photo collages of us and presents. He told them all about me too. I went to New Mexico when he got out of rehab and helped him move his stuff back home and he introduced me to alot of his counselors and people who run the program. They all told me they were so happy he had someone like me in his life and they heard so much about me. I was walkin around holding his hand so obviously more than a friend and he still talks ever so often to people from that rehab place. So I dont know why they didnt say something to him or tell him not to start anything before he did. He is doing well with not drinking anymore, he had 14 months without drinking (with ten months in rehab and 4 months on his own) and then slipped for one night but stopped drinking by the next day and has been going to meetings a few times a week ever since. He is reworking his steps and is trying hard. He's been around people that even drink and he says it doesnt even bother him or make him crave it. I honestly think I was pushed away more because of his depression than the alcoholism factor. He thinks he doesnt deserve me and I am too good for him all of a sudden. We were romantic with each other for over a year and the whole time, things felt special between us and we clicked in a way that i have never felt with anyone else whether it was before rehab when he was drinking alot, during rehab, and even after rehab. I knew him at various stages of his life and recovery so far so its not like I fell in love with one stage of his life.
Everyone in my life (friends and family) also tells me I deserve better than the guys I chose to be date or the few I have fallen in love with but I don't know how to even find better or anything. Its just who I am attracted to. so yeah I do have to work on fixing that but I am too lost to even know where to begin. Everything is just a mess and I need to focus on not lettin this destroy school which takes up 99% of my life. I am already behind in classes from even writing on this forum. I see a psychologist and have for the past 2 years but that doesnt seem to help because I dont think Ive made any personal progress on myself in the past few years let alone if ever. I have vet school which is my dream, and everyone tells me I have everything going for me... smart, pretty, nice, and sociable, but my self esteem is really low and Im not happy with life outside of vet school. I have been focusing everything I have on school for the past 6 years kinda like how RAs can become so wrapped up in work and only focus on that. I dont really know what else to do. Nothing seems to be helping, and losing the only happiness and person who understands me is really only setting me back. Sorry that my posts are always long. Ive never known how to keep things short and simple either, and I thank everyone for their responses.