Originally Posted by
runningforlife 
DVM,
You are telling my story from a little over 3 months ago and I, too, had no prior experience with an alcoholic. Losing my ABF was NOT going to be an option for me. I just couldn't fathom life without him. His disease progressed very quickly and I strongly believe he would not have lived through another year had he not lost control to such a degree where the only place left to go was back home with his parents. He was not ready to go to rehab. He absolutely refused to go. Instead, he is living at home, holding down a part-time job, working his program and trying to save his life. The first 6 weeks after he moved away our relationship stayed intact. In fact, it was a huge relief because I no longer had to worry about him or live with an active alcoholic, and he was getting the help he needs. We recommitted to our relationship and wrote letters several times a week and spoke several times a day. The last letter I received from him he thanked me for sticking by him when he no longer believed in himself, for recognizing his problem way before he did, and that he cannot wait to spend healthy time with me as soon as possible. 4 days later he called and put our relationship on a break. Just like that. It was only then I realized how sick and codependent I had become with him. I hit my rock bottom several days later. I was inconsolable. I wanted to grab on as tight as possible and never let go.
We've talked only once since.
Fast forward 3.5 months later - I am just starting to find balance and peace in my life. I can go for most of the day on most days without thinking about him. I attend 2-3 Al-Anon meetings per week and dedicate a part of my day each day actively working on my recovery and step work. I see a therapist. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally gotten to a place where I can see my relationship with him from a better perspective. I have had to relearn how to take care of myself all over again and I'm finally feeling great, and remember feeling how exhausted, frustrated, depressed and anxious I was when I lived with my ABF. Yes, I still miss him. I miss the good times we had over the years. I miss the companionship and love we shared. I miss my best friend. But there is a lot more I do not miss and I am only able to see that now that I've found a bit of serenity. Sure, I know he is in recovery but the thought of a future relationship with him knowing he could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I'm not willing to take.
I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself the same question you've been posing...is it wrong to hold onto the hope of a future relationship and risk being let down? I don't know if I could answer that question myself, yet, but I do know that my life needs to be my focus now and that more will be revealed when it's meant to be known. I never would have imagined saying that just 3 months ago.
It sounds like you have a wonderful goal you are investing in!
Hugs to you.
As awful as it is, its calming to hear someone has been in this spot. I already see a psychologist for anxiety and depression which i was diagnosed with a year and a half ago when I first met him. They just put me on meds from a psychiatrist about 4 months ago but cant find the right ones so the week before he broke up with me, i was on a new kind which didnt work n made things even worse.
Even though i really liked him, I stayed just friends with my ex when he went to rehab for those 9 months. Somehow I had the patience to leave the future up to God. After rehab, he came back stronger than ever. Completely happy, loving himself, life, me, and proud of his recovery. Everything was amazing until his slip which was for only one night and he hasnt drank since and that was in september. (It was preceded by him not going to meetings and spending all his time with me) I think his main problem right now is his depression, and anxiety. I think hes mad at himself for messing up school and ruining the 11 months of sobriety he had. I told my psychologist about everything while balling my eyes out on Tuesday but she surprisingly did not help or give me any hope which just made me feel worse. I think I am going to try to attend an ala-non meeting tomorrow night. Its been a week and a half and it feels like forever. Hes talked to me a few times but acts really distant, and Im thinking of telling him i need space and time to get over the pain before talking. Do attending ala-non meetings help you even though he is not talking to you anymore?? Also why do you do step work?? Are you recovering as well? or can anyone do step work?? Does it help?? Sorry i have no idea.... Kinda like you, I do want a relationship with him again, but dont want to be led on or hurt in the future. I only want him back if he truly gets his life together and manages his depression and remains sober. I guess that involves trust on my part too. As of now tho, Im just trying to get thru day by day and not screw up my school which i worked hard to get to this point. I wish there were more success stories to give hope to people like us that it is possible for things to work out in the future... I know the future is unknown but I know we still do love each other but he cant handle a relationship. I guess all I can do is leave it up to fate. (altho its impossible to imagine life without him in the future. He was the first bf i thought was really "the one" and he told me he felt the same about me)
Im sorry for what youve been through. I know how awful it is. I wish you the best, and the best for your ex as well.