DVM,
You are telling my story from a little over 3 months ago and I, too, had no prior experience with an alcoholic. Losing my ABF was NOT going to be an option for me. I just couldn't fathom life without him. His disease progressed very quickly and I strongly believe he would not have lived through another year had he not lost control to such a degree where the only place left to go was back home with his parents. He was not ready to go to rehab. He absolutely refused to go. Instead, he is living at home, holding down a part-time job, working his program and trying to save his life. The first 6 weeks after he moved away our relationship stayed intact. In fact, it was a huge relief because I no longer had to worry about him or live with an active alcoholic, and he was getting the help he needs. We recommitted to our relationship and wrote letters several times a week and spoke several times a day. The last letter I received from him he thanked me for sticking by him when he no longer believed in himself, for recognizing his problem way before he did, and that he cannot wait to spend healthy time with me as soon as possible. 4 days later he called and put our relationship on a break. Just like that. It was only then I realized how sick and codependent I had become with him. I hit my rock bottom several days later. I was inconsolable. I wanted to grab on as tight as possible and never let go.
We've talked only once since.
Fast forward 3.5 months later - I am just starting to find balance and peace in my life. I can go for most of the day on most days without thinking about him. I attend 2-3 Al-Anon meetings per week and dedicate a part of my day each day actively working on my recovery and step work. I see a therapist. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally gotten to a place where I can see my relationship with him from a better perspective. I have had to relearn how to take care of myself all over again and I'm finally feeling great, and remember feeling how exhausted, frustrated, depressed and anxious I was when I lived with my ABF. Yes, I still miss him. I miss the good times we had over the years. I miss the companionship and love we shared. I miss my best friend. But there is a lot more I do not miss and I am only able to see that now that I've found a bit of serenity. Sure, I know he is in recovery but the thought of a future relationship with him knowing he could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I'm not willing to take.
I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself the same question you've been posing...is it wrong to hold onto the hope of a future relationship and risk being let down? I don't know if I could answer that question myself, yet, but I do know that my life needs to be my focus now and that more will be revealed when it's meant to be known. I never would have imagined saying that just 3 months ago.
It sounds like you have a wonderful goal you are investing in!
Hugs to you.