Please Help! I need advice. My family and friends do not seem to understand my situation.
In June 2010, I met my currently ex-boyfriend. From day 1 we liked each other but did not date right away and we became best friends who liked each other. About a week after I met him, he told me he was an alcoholic but previous treatment programs didnt work. I saw alot of good qualities in him and decided to not exclusively date him but keep being "best friends that liked each other". We grew very close and shared alot of personal stories and emotional experiences. In Aug. 2010, he went away to rehab for an intense nine month program in New Mexico. For the first six months of the program, he had no cell phone or computer so he started writing me love letters. We wrote love letters back and forth until he got his phone back and then we decided to exclusively date one another. He was so open, understanding, helpful with problems in my life, and loving. He seemed like the most amazing person I'd ever met. He even told me he loved me before he even came home. When he came home in June 2011, we started exclusively dating. He was emotionally available, calm, and happy. His parents said they hadn't seen him like this in years (since he first drank). We had the most amazing summer together and were totally in love. We both thought we would get married someday. He made plans in the fall to attend college and picked a program that meant alot to him. I planned on going away to veterinary school in Missouri (were both originally from Chicago). We both agreed not to break up and we'd make it work because our relationship was so strong and we were in love. Once he went away to school, things went down hill. The stress of school was too much for him and he slipped and drank one night. His drinking led to him being arrested and kicked out of his college program that he wanted to do so bad. I remained supportive as always. As soon as a few weeks later, I noticed he wasnt as happy anymore. He started slacking in maintaining our relationship and a month later freaked out at me over something that shouldnt be a big deal. He threatened to break up and said he wanted to think about it. The next day he said he realized hes been just upset about reworking his steps and the process of his recovery and he just needs to be more open with me. Things got better for a week or two then went downhill even more. Another month later, my brother was in the hospital and i was upset about it. He freaked out again at me and said obviously things werent working between us, and he wanted space for a while. He blamed it on me being away (about 7 hr drive) at school. Eventually he came back around but things got worse. Two weeks later he said "I love you and do not want to lose you but I cannot have a girlfriend right now so i dont know what i want". I was hurt but he stayed with me and things of course got worse. He seemed to not be emotionally connected with me anymore. He put in VERY little effort to our relationship and could not handle me having even the slightest bit of stress in my life. When I came home two weeks ago for break, he went from being loving one minute to acting like he didnt care about me the next. He treated our sexual life like I was a booty call. Then he finally just broke up with me. After a day of blaming me, He said "I was a bad boyfriend so why drag you down with me. I am not myself and need to figure my life out and what I want from life but I still love you." He wouldn't give me straight answers about the future or if I should hang on or let go and gave me mixed signals by still saying he loved me and his heart is still mine to not even saying I love you the next day. He told me he wanted to continue being just friends (which I cannot do without wanting him back and being in love). I am not sure what to do at this point. As a recovering alcoholic, is there hope that he can get over whatever he is going through? (he told me he needs to do his stepwork and go to meetings which may help) I know there is nothing I can do and he needs to help himself, but is it even possible for him to be back how he was this summer??? Is there a point to me holding on or should I just let go and move on in life??? I want him back, not now but after he works on himself if thats even possible. I just miss the happy loving understanding person I fell in love with. He was my best friend and we understood each other so well. I dont want to quit on him but I am hurting too bad to be just friends right now. Does anyone have any experience with emotionally shutting people out and distancing loved ones until they push them out of their lives during their recovery process?? Will he ever be able to maintain a relationship? I am the only friend he honestly has besides his sponsor and I am the only non-family member who hasn't given up on him from when he was still drinking to now. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. Also thanks for your time, I know this was long.
Also, If it helps, I have NO experience with alcoholism, and only recently found out about al-anon but don't see the point now that were broken up. He is 20 years old and I am 23.
