Hey DG. Sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope you are getting ready for bed instead of staying up and drinking. I felt a lot of self-hatred when I was still drinking. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, and the things I did when I was drunk just proved how awful I was (or so I thought). I actually never made a decision to stop drinking - I made a decision to stop punishing myself and once I did drinking alcohol was out of the question.