djayr

I have been using this forum to give me support over the past year, as I accomplished a legal separation from AW. I decided to end our 17 year marriage last January when I figured out that AW was probably cheating on me. She had fallen off the wagon after 2 1/2 years sober and the lying and unusual behaviour returned at 5X the normal rate. She moved out for a while which was OK with me.

What is blanked-up about my situation is that I let her move back home in April 2011 after she had a siezure and got sober. I was filed for divorce at that time, but I softened up to give it "one more chance". She went to a few follow up meetings, but generally speaking, she worked her usual "do-it-yourself" program, aka no program. Sobriety only lasted for about 2 months.

Once again, I begged her not to continue drinking (you know, so she wouldn't become the shaking-hands, jittery, physically addicted alcoholic she was certain to become), but she didn't listen. SO STUBBORN! She just kept on going with the vodka, and her foolishness gave me the resolve to keep going with the divorce action.

Unfortunately, working through a divorce with a drunk person who isn't good with money, is not easy. Especially when there are 2 houses, 2 businesses including a 38-year old good-size family business, and cash and retirement savings. In a community property state. Plus, I didn't want her to get an attorney which could have been really ugly, so I made her the best offer I could muster.

If it sounds strange for a person to be twisted in knots while simultaneously trying to give all his cash, retirement, and houses to his drunk AW -- welcome to my world. But we all have stories, so I will try to get to the point (if I have one).

To get her to "go along with the deal", I changed the action to legal separation instead of divorce. I also allowed for us to remain 50/50 co-owners of our dream house where we both live. The thought was, get sober, maybe there is still hope -- knowing in the back of my head, thank God I am detaching legally and financially...I can always convert to a divorce after 12 months without her consent, according to state law. It was also good for me financially to have her paying 1/2 the mortgage, heat, cable, etc. I thought it might be empowering for her in some way.

Here's the punchline: we are legally separated, but it's as screwed up as you can possibly imagine. We have our own bank accounts and money. We are staying in separate bedrooms in a "roomate" type of situation. She was injured emotionally but appeared to be drinking less. I started getting excited, thinking, now that I am not enabling her maybe she will get herself straightened out. And it will be different this time -- her choice, her money, her life, her future. Not for me, but for herself.

Our $7,000 health deductible was met for 2011 and I suggested to her several times, in several ways (out loud, in a letter, etc.) -- that she could have a free detox if she went in the month of December. This woman clips 0.25 cent coupons -- surely she would see the merit of a free detox!

Didn't happen. After pretending she was going to quit drinking, AW chickened out. I am disgusted and angry. She is crying and needy and she is still trying to make me happy. Why can't she address ONE THING that I have CLEARLY told her is THE PROBLEM with our relationship?!? How can she be so blind, wondering why I can't be "nice" to her? Why does she even bother asking, "why don't you want to be with me"? Insane! Alcoholic insanity!!

So after briefly feeling liberated, like a man who finally wrestled himself free from some kind of trap, I am now feeling quite depressed. I'm a codependent mess. On top of that, I'm one of the people who says they "love" their A. I guess I really need to stop saying that -- as another person said on these boards, it might just be compassion mixed with guilt. I just feel sick.

At the same time, I moved a mountain in 2011. It was not easy to get the legal papers signed and endorsed by a judge. So I do feel a sense of freedom and detachment in some ways -- but it's combined with heartache, anger, frustration and ill feelings towards AW.

Once I scrape up a few dollars, I could move out, or force the sale of our house. Maybe that's where it's all heading. In the meantime, just when you though you heard it all...

How can I stop asking myself, "why doesn't she stop drinking?" -- and quit being a codie maniac?

Thanks for listening everyone.