Anvilhead- thank you for your "gentle" remark. That is exactly what I need to hear. What marriage indeed. I know I want a miracle to occur. And I guess it isn't happening.
We had a really good marriage for 25 years and then he stopped being a partner-something that I still to this day wonder if it had to do with the alcohol or not.
I get frustrated with myself that I am not further along in this process but I know I cannot force my feelings and there will come a time when I am ready to let go.
It's funny BoomerLady. I once thought that him admitting he was an A was the first step. He admitted it years ago and even went to a few meetings but guess what...he did not want to make that change. He admitted in counseling that he had more of a relationship with alcohol than with me. Then of course it became that he drank in order to stay with me. Well, I'm gone and he's still drinking. The more he realizes what he says are lies the more he clings to the alcohol. Stubborn mule that he is. And I am no better.
At one point it was very important that he claim responsibility for all he had done to make the marriage fizzle out. He did not. I wanted an apology so I could forgive him. I now know that I am expecting something he is not capable of. And that I can forgive him no matter what. Forgive him for my own sake. So I can live my life without the resentment and anger. Now I want him to be the one to say he wants the marriage to end. I will not give him an "easy out" and I want him to know I am not the one saying chicken first. Perhaps through my recovery I will let go of this pridefulness and spitefulness and it wont matter anymore who says it. It will just be the right thing to do.
Thank you all for you insight.