Hi awife 2010,
My AH wasn't a ranging alcoholic either, he was what I classed as a functioning alcoholic, although I dont like that term as some areas of his life (his marriage) he certainly wasn't functioning. My AH of 23yrs worked very hard all his life, he worked whilst I studied further education for a degree and when we were both working he did much more around the home than me. He was great when sober and Sunday mornings were probably my favourite times with him, when he was still relatively sober and we went out for brunch together. He was also very loving and caring - sometimes!
He drank beer every day and went through about 24- 48 bottles a week. Drinking beer made him very sleepy and he would be falling asleep early in the evening and this left me feeling very lonely. If I ever mentioned the drinking or the spending, then he would get 'nasty' (verbally abusive) and pretty quickly the conversation would be turned around and I would become the focus. I was boring, lazy, spent money on my hair etc. I began to shutdown with him and we talked less and less.
I got pretty obsessed with his drinking and would count the number of beers left in his beer fridge. I also kept an excel spreadsheet of the money he spent on beer. I was suffering from stress and anxiety and would get nervous coming home from work wondering what mood he would be in. Loving him, sleepy him, angry him - I was never too sure and that made me edgy. During a particularly nasty row about his drinking, he told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it I could leave. I coudnt believe that he was going to choose beer over a 23yr marriage and was pretty distraught.
Thats when I found Al-anon, SR and got myself some therapy. 18 months later, I still loved him but I chose to leave. I came to realise that I was important and that my life was important. I had been making myself ill worrying about his drinking. I honestly thought that my husbands drinking would end up killing me!
Through Al-anon, SR and therapy I have made myself well again (still getting better everyday). I know now that the life that I had with my 'functioning, non raging' alcoholic wasn't normal and was making me unhealthy in mind, body and soul. What made it hard and what made me stay for far too long, was telling myself that my AH was good most of the time, that he was functioning. I stuck around through the bad times waiting for the good times.
Since leaving, my AH has found his bottom and has gotten sober. He has been sober now for about 7 months and is working hard at staying that way. We still live separately but spend weekends together and have a date night mid week. I really have nothing to do with his recovery, he is taking care of that by himself. He knows that he will only have himself to blame if he starts drinking again and is very careful about protecting his sobriety. He is taking responsibility for himself and tells me about how good he feels about that. He is forced to face lifes problems sober and is gaining so much out of life being able to do that, his pride is returning.
Al-anon, SR and therapy has taught me to take care of myself. I feel healthier, I realise now how unhealthy I had become living with an active problem drinker (alcoholic), some of the things I did or put up with are embarrassing to me. I know when I need to do more work on myself and that is a good thing. I will no longer live with an active alcoholic, my husband knows this, he wants to be with me, wants a lifetime with me and so he is happy to do what it takes - we both are.
I greatly suggest that you try al-anon for yourself and even get some personal therapy. I found a therapist who had experience with alcoholism and that made all the difference with me. She could talk the talk and seemed to understand the problems we (loved ones) faced when up against an active alcoholic. A lot of the work we did together helped me regain my self esteem and see myself as an important person who was worthy of having a happy, healthy life and that even 'love for someone' shouldn't get in the way of that.
Keep visiting SR, keep reading and get yourself some books on the subject (you will find many suggestions on SR). Reaching SR was the starting point for my recovery, hopefully it will be yours too.