Originally Posted by VikingGF

I am a 46 year old woman. I have a very good job AND my own small business, my own house, good friends, an ex-husband who I have a very good relationship with and an amazing dog. From the outside, it doesn't look so bad, even to me. On the inside, I know this: drinking cost me my marriage, keeps me from being the best I can be and is genetically imprinted in my genes. My father died from drinking and smoking, and my mom is in active recovery from prescription drugs. In fact, this website saved me many years ago when I came here (under another name) to the Narc-Anon threads. And now I find myself coming here for me. While I have been a "heavy drinker" for years it was only a few months ago that a switch flipped, and all the sudden, I couldn't hold my wine (drink of choice) and found that I was blacking out early and often. Still, I didn't stop. Waking up the next morning and wondering how the car found it's way home to the garage started to scare the cr*p out of me. And still, I didn't stop. I didn't stop. That still blows my mind. I would go to work hungover so often, I thought that was just how I felt on a regular basis. Friends would talk to me about something and I'd have no idea what they were talking about, and would just nod my head in agreement. Yup, whatever. Inside, I was panicking. Outside, well, I was heading to the wine store for another night's supply. The thought of not going was not even a possibility. It was what I DID. It was who I WAS. Every morning I would play the wake up game- what did I do, who did I talk to, what did I say. I had gotten very good at not contacting people after a couple glasses, never MOM, ever, the few close friends maybe had me figured out, never, and the oblivious ones, well, they honestly never knew. In fact, most people say to me, regularly, "Oh, you were drunk? I couldn't tell at all." Unfortunately, my capacity to hold large amounts of alcohol and appear fine was a curse that has been with me for a long time. No one can save me if they don't know I need saving. But then again, we can only save ourselves. Which is what I have decided to do. I stopped Dec. 7th. I did slip up, for a day each time, three times. Not to drunken stupidness, but that is inconsequential. I am not sure why I slipped. However, I am dedicated to this journey, and have forgiven myself for that. I'll admit I'm scared to death. I am afraid I'm not really ready, deep inside, and that stupid little voice is going to convince me, yet again, that I'm really just fine and can drink "normally." I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life. But I do know that I have to try harder than I've ever tried anything, or I am going to lose everything. Thanks for listening.

Lisa.