i lived through a childhood of abuse. my childhood was very fearful and sad, we were always unsure of when the next eruption would occur. the lie we had to tell ourselves was that it was normal, we were bad, and we deserved it. obviously this set me and my sibling up for a life of hardship, one i am now beginning to take some responsibility for in recovery.
you know it's abusive. you have the ability to make it better for your kids now. i hope you can find the help and strength for yourself and do that.