Scary, I'm not dumping on your 9 days but really, honestly, that's no way to live:
My first attempt at getting sober was 12 years ago, and I have failed at every attempt since then.
but I'm still plenty scared of failing.
I thought once I made it a certain number of days it would get easier. It hasn't.
I still miss beer badly.
I really REALLY want to go home and crack a beer so badly today.
It's such a struggle.
I don't know how long I can do this.
There is a battle inside me every day between the guy who wants to drink, and the guy who wants to live sober. I just hope it gets easier.
I wonder if you're willing to take a look at something - What's different about this time? In the past, did you not want to get sober? Sure you did....it just that your plans to do so didn't work. So now, after 12 yrs of trying and failing, you've got a new start. And really.........a new start is great.....no way to get sober for good (ie. for life) without starting sometime right?
But the thing that has me scratching my head is if you're not enjoying sobriety, if the thought of drinking is beating you unmercifully, and if you're not doing something different than the things you've tried in the past (ie, getting yourself sober with whatever plan you've come up with), my personal experience and that of every alkie I've met is that you're right to be concerned because if you're not incorporating some usually pretty heavy-duty changes to your lifestyle, the thought of drinking returns on a day when your defenses are down and you find yourself getting loaded......again. I'm sure a quick look through your and all of our past histories with trying to sober up will reveal exactly that same outcome - over and over.
I'll URGE you to try to get involved with one of the recovery programs. That will increase your odds of staying sober for good and for all immensely.