My prayers are with you, Ginger. You seem to me like one of the great voices of wisdom on this board, who is walking the path before me, but in this instance, yes, I have been there, albeit on a much smaller scale.
My dad spent a night in jail for domestic abuse when I was sixteen. When he came home after two weeks away, he was blaming me, a 16 year old, for putting him in jail and humiliating him in front of the neighbors. He blamed the police for their tazers failing and injuring him (the fact that he refused to cooperate and come out of his bedroom--which they knew had firearms--had nothing to do with it.)
It was only a few years ago, nearly 25 years after the fact, that I came to understand in his mind, he almost without a doubt still blames me for that, and all these 'nice' things he's done for me all these years were, in his mind, him being the bigger person forgiving such a lousy, rotten, no-good daughter who would put her father in jail.
It's so hard for sober, rational minds to grasp the audacity, but they're locked in a hell of their own creation, in some respects, seeing things in such a twisted way.
(((Ginger)))