Dominica,
I know it feels hopeless at times, sometimes not because we don't believe people can't get better, or even that WE can't get better, it just seems like such a monumental task, we can't muster the energy to even get started.
Sometimes even coming here and reading SOME posts, about how hard it is, how much people are struggling, etc, is scary and we can look at that and think that we just can't do that, that our lives wasted are better because we can't handle life sober.
I am not sure if that is where you are, but if it is, or to anyone reading this who might be feeling this way, I will share a bit of my story.
When I first got into recovery, I was still using. I wanted to investigate this recovery thing, and make sure I "bought" it, and decide whether or not I could do it, before I gave up my old life. Meanwhile I spent six more months nearly killing myself, with my multiple addictions spiraling out of control to a degree they never had before. Maybe I thought I'd give total full blown addiction a chance to see how I liked that.
I quickly got to a point where i simply could not go on like I was anymore. I was alienating everyone I cared about, killing myself and putting everything and everyone at risk. I did not want to be the person I was. Going on like I was, wasn't even an option. I was that close to killing myself, either by actual suicide or the slightly less obvious but just as devastating overdose, anorexia, or car accident.
At that point, I just knew that I had to stop, and I was too messed up in my mind and life to try to put together my own recovery program. So I went to an NA meeting, and decided to work that program. I needed hope, structure, a plan.
But I was SO used to struggling, it was all I knew. Being defiant, angry, hopeless, argumentative, etc. I brought all that in with me. I took the drugs and booze out but took all those other "devils" in with me, thinking they were my friends.
People told me I didn't have to be miserable in the program, that suffering was optional, but I had no idea what they meant.
I kept on white knuckling it through my days, struggling. Until, I didn't anymore. Until I realized that I didn't have to anymore.
Recovery isn't the hardest thing we ever do, it's not nearly as hard as active addiction, if we allow it to work in our lives. When we struggle with it, sure, it's hard. But if we allow ourselves to relax, it's healing.
That may take some times, because we are scared at first, not trusting, angry, wary. But if we let ourselves get to know recovery, give it a shot and find out what it's all about, we get past that.
Of course there are hard days, days we feel awful. That is normal life, not a sign that something is wrong or that recovery isn't working, etc. Recovery doesn't guarantee that everything in life will go our way and that we will never feel tough feelings again, it gives us a chance to get through those things clear headed, and to enjoy the good days, and good things unimpaired.
I was so used to fighting, addiction, reality, situations, the people around me and myself, that I didn't know that fighting was one of my issues. I thought it was my friend, the only thing keeping me from being overwhelmed and crushed by life. I went into recovery fighting it, because fighting was all I knew. When I finally took a chance and stopped fighting, things began to turn around for me.
Suicide was one of the things I ran to as an escape. The idea that I could always end things if they got too bad. I had to give that up to, just as surely as I had to put down drugs, booze, etc. That was a huge turning point for me, and a very recent one. There is actually a Suicide Anonymous organization for people who are hooked on the fantasy and ideology of suicide as a way to cope/not cope with life.
If you are in a suicide crisis, or seriously considering harming yourself, take action now. If it is a pervasive and recurring thought, check out Suicide Anonymous, get into therapy,etc, address it. I found out that with that particular issue always clamoring in the backround, I was not able to make too much headway with the other issues. Because in my mind I was still telling myself "if this doesn't work, I can just do myself in" when I gave that option up, I finally truly allowed recovery to work in my life. The struggle was over, and healing could take place. I have finally decided to LIVE.
Because truly, when I didn't want to live, wasn't committed to live, what was the point of all the rest?