I hope I'm not dragging this on too long, but I had a bit of an epiphany while reading some of the other posts here.
I realized, a major part of the reason I find it so hard to distance myself from this relationship, why I feel so guilty and have such a hard time deciding that his behavior is not ok for me and I have a right to want to leave and be happy, is because my behavior toward him is not ok either.
I was reading a post from another woman here about how she had slapped her boyfriend and he choked her, and someone replied that neither of those actions were ok. How both were considered abuse.
I don't know when it started, but I have been reacting violently toward him for years. I was never an angry person before getting with him, but I do remember having one episode while I was pregnant, we had been forced to move at the last moment and had all our stuff to put away in one little bedroom in someone elses apartment, and he disappeard to "smoke" with his brother. I don't know if it was my hormones or what but when he finally showed up I was gritting my teeth at him just like my dad used to do to us, and I pushed him. He was pretty surprised. I don't blame him.
Over the years, I've been so frustrated, with life, with him, his drinking, etc. I know there is no excuse for violence. I don't want to say "but", but, after having dealt with what I call his "oblivion" stage of drinking, picking him up off the floor, having him disappear for whole nights at a time, having to be a single parent at times while still in a relationship with my childs father, having been secluded from any friends and family of my own for so long, having no one to talk to, etc, I broke down quite often. I became a yeller, I pushed him a lot, I've even punched him on the arms and shoulders in times when he was particularly drunk and I couldn't get him to move out of the doorway or he was falling over on our son, etc. All due to being at the end of my rope.
In the last few years he's been more of a coherant drunk, but he is still incredibly unaware and inconsiderate. It still often feels like taking care of a child. He leaves his dishes and clothes everywhere, he gets my son all riled up at bad times, such as bedtime, if we go out to eat he always suggest we go somehwere he can have a beer..or 3.
I know this only makes it more important for this relationship to end, but somehow it just makes me feel like, I don't know, maybe I haven't been good enough to him to deserve a chance of my own, but then again I know staying and continuing to treat him like crap is not good for him either, and I do still care about him. I know it's not good for my son to see us fighting or hearing us calling each other bad names. Sigh. Just another "journal" type entry for my own peace of mind.