Tammy, sry to hear that, I sure wish there was a concrete answer to that question. Every relapse I've had has taught me something, many (like yours) were due to being on autopilot. Allowed the addictive part of the brain to take control over me, just as it would during a blackout. Each day sober helps drive the thought deeper into my mind that "I do not drink." remembering 'I' am the one in control and I have to keep it that way 100%.