brand new: please help if you can
Hi,
I found this site yesterday, and have decided that today is the day. Yesterday would have been the day, but no- I had to go and buy a whole bunch of wine. Damn. I sure wish I didn't have to stop drinking but the HUGE amounts of red wine I go through every night have left me forgetting whole evenings, hiding bottles, lying to my beloved family, and feeling weak and worthless. But it feels so relaxing to drink! At the time. What a nitwit.
I'm in my early 40s, a woman with 2 kids, 10 and 3. Yesterday I found a note in my 10 year old's diary (yeah, I know; bad invasive mama) saying that she was worried about the amount I drank. "I think she must drink a bottle of wine a day!" More like a 1.5 liter bottle, my honey.
I've always worked full-time, in the book business, but took off a couple of years when I had my youngest daughter in 2001. Now I'm finishing my BS and plan to go on to my Master's. I get As in university, did well at work, am smart (except maybe not so smart, as here I am).
I am an agnostic, firmly believing that we just don't know if there is an afterlife or a god or not, and really don't need to know, just live our human-being lives and wait and see. I have no beef with god-believing folks, but can't make that leap of faith myself. I know I need to make this life a better one; it may be all there is.
Normally I dislike groups and support-type boards, like this one, but obviously I'd better get down off my high horse. I'll be doing this "alone"; no AA for me. I've got some Valium (legally prescribed for my PMS) and am planning on using it for the first few days...
If any of you see yourself in me, and can get over my snotty attitude, constant sarcasm, and cynical views, please do reply. I have a feeling I'm going to need this forum. I am scared, and still too proud and vain to ask my friends and family for support (although my husband has tried many times now to introduce the subject, and always with love). I'm sure they'll notice if (when?) I'm successful, but I just don't want that spotlight on me right now- I feel too vunerable.
Yuk, wish I'd not got myself into this mess, I hope the crash ain't too bad but I have a feeling there is a lot of Excedrin PM in my future.
thanks for listening,
New and Nervous