You know I was in the exact same spot you were - only a few years further down the pike. I totally get it.
We went on an epically bad vacation where even I couldn't live in quite as much denial as it would have taken to not see how bad things were getting with the drinking (and there was no abuse with my husband ever). I was so unhappy every minute of that trip. My children were acting out. I still didn't really get it. By then I was so far down in that hole I was just numb and terribly terribly unhappy and
SO TIRED. I had painted myself into a box that the only way a good mother could raise children was to be married to their father and for some reason I stayed in that box and just accepted that is where I would live until my kids were 18yo and I could be free. I was just to tired, overwhelmed, and lost to think any differently. I've never been so tired in my life. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, just completely drained. My body was falling apart from all the stress. At the end of that trip my cousin leaned over and gave me a hug and said 'my heart is breaking for you.' It was like a little light. How did I - the smart, fun, independent, self-sufficient, together, 'can do anything' woman become a person so lost and miserable that it was heartbreaking. And it was heartbreaking - and very frightening. I have so much more understanding of how I got to that place but even in hindsight I can't quite wrap my brain around it. Later that day she sent me a text that she would help me with anything I needed. That was all she said. That began my journey out of that dark and confused time and into a better one. One person that could see, and validate, and remind me that I wasn't always in this space. It was not an easy or straight forward journey. I joined SR shortly after that so some of it is documented here in my early posts.
I did it though - and so can you if that is what you need to do.
"I used to be such an outgoing and strong person who wouldnt take any rubbish from anyone," You ARE that person. Living with alcoholism has things a little murky but you are still you. When your husband is saying all those things meant to tear you down and keep you confused and enabling his world - that is not truth. That is alcoholism waging a war to take another one down. Don't let alcohol win.