it seems like I am in an endless loop filled with vodka and vitamin water
My loop was bourbon and beer...I know how you feel.
The good news is this: The loop can be broken. It seems hard to get your mind around this while in the loop. Once sober, the world is a much less scary place.Living is serene and sane. Healing begins.
I hope you decide to take up living. You deserve it.
Keep us posted.