Your world sounds like my world, except that it's my husband, and I can't leave him.
I just wanted to say that, so far, Al-Anon has been a great comfort to me. I'm also reading "Codependent No More." It sounds like you are aware of some of the issues, but I would encourage you to take care of yourself, and stop trying to diagnose all his behaviors. I do that -- try to see what he's doing, figure out the patterns, understand "why" -- and it gets me nowhere.
I am growing and rediscovering life through Al-Anon and through taking care of myself. Hang in there.
Warmly
- Hael