torn

Hey everybody I found this site when I typed up leaving my husband. I am 26 year old female and have been with my husband married 1 year but we have been together now for 10. When I first met him I was 16 was a bad time in my family life, I knew he was heavy into smoking pot, but I never thought that it affected him as much as it did. I began smoking alot also. Today I have no need for it. I lived these 9 years letting him smoke as much as he wanted to, when we got married last July I did a complete turn around, I was starting to think about having kids, I was wanting a more fulfilling relationship, and I decided I wanted a clean husband. I brought this up to him numerous times and nothing seemed to change, I had went somewhere with him and found out that I was coming home sitting on enough pot to ...well u get the picture, I freaked. The following sit down we had I was in tears I told him I felt like I was married to an 80 year old man, he has no ooomph for life, he works, he comes home, he sits in his chair, he smokes a j and lights out!! Well he decided he didn't want me walking out the door, so he cut back it took him some time, but he has a hoot in the evening and on some occasions he hoots a bit more.

I am finding more and more that I am growing away from this man, I keep going over and over in my head how this can be happening. The conversations that him and I have had over the course of the year seem to go no where. He has been doing well with the drug end of it, still smoking it but definitely come down a lot, he will have a hoot only in the evenings before bed, considering he used to smoke 7 a day. But as time goes on, I find myself completely unhappy with our relationship. The arguing seems to be getting worse and ya know it’s over the stupidest things. We used to have some great relationship, we never yell at each other even to this day. There is never any crazy name calling or outrageous fights.

I think sometimes maybe the way I am feeling is somewhat needy. Needy for what? Well love, tenderness, passion, the feeling of being that lady on his pedestal, having fun with each other which hasn’t happened in some time. Our sex life has completely hit rock bottom, the passion I once felt for this man has lessened and lessened. My heart breaks bc I don’t know how I got here, was it bc of the drug acciction and it actually not being done with, even worse to think that I might completely crush this man bc I am so unhappy and have been thinking about alternatives, seperating.

I have talked to him about a lot of these issues and it has come down to emotional breakdowns with both of us. We have been together now for 10 years been married one full year now, and I disappoint myself, I feel like my marriage is failing.

I have talked to him about all these issues that go through my head and my heart, but I feel like he doesn’t hear me, or there is no effort. He has said to me before that he doesn’t know what to say and that me not being here would be the end of the world, which I know for him it is, he’s a very kind, compassionate, tender man but sometimes I feel like I am married to an 80 year old man. I want to be taken off guard, or I am always waiting for him to do something out of the blue, something that is going to rekindle that spark we once had but it never seems to happen. Sometimes I think it’s me, that I am looking for something that’s not there and maybe just dealing with what I have is the way I am going to have to go!! Then I feel like I am settling for something that I long for and I keep thinking that there is something out there that is sooooo right for me. For me in comes down to the little things that are so important to me in a relationship and if there not there now what’s it going to be like in another 5 years………… are we going to keep going over and over these issues. Is he going to come and go with the drug addiction

As I sit here writing this to you, my eyes continually tear and my heart breaks bc I have never been here in my life. I find myself avoiding the man that I once loved so dearly, I love him and will love him forever but I feel my needs and what I want out of life have been changing drastically. I go over an over in my head what I want to say to him but I feel a loss of words, bc I feel petty and I wish I could be that bitch to walk in and dump it on him, but then I always think of the other persons feelings and breaking someone’s heart isn’t so easy when someone loves u so much. I also feel like I am going to disappoint everyone, my family bc they think he is the greatest thing in the world, which he is but I feel like I am not fulfilled, just typing all this makes me feel so selfish.

I have a lot more to say but this is turning into a really long letter lol!!

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read this, I just needed to vent a little, just to write this all down helps, having no one to really listen to what I have to say really sucks, bc around here your business seems to be everyone’s even tho u try to confide in one friend!!


~Torn~