Not drinking is not a punishment to me.
It's saving my life.
That's reward enough for me.
If you are an alcoholic, not drinking is the solution and it can save you from the blackouts and not remembering what happened. Shame is a huge part of alcoholism and it's what keeps us going back to the drink. We feel horrible for what we did, so we drink to help relieve the shame. And, it never ends.
I hope you decide to live a sober life.