Calvin1

Hey,


A little bit about me and a guy in my mid to late twenties. I am very much a problem drinker. I drink way way too much and I drink in secret. I have toyed around with moderation before quite a few times and I have discovered that I don't really want to moderate; I want to get drunk. Or maybe I would want to moderate--for a while. Moderation for me is just a tease. It is like foreplay without sex. If I have a few drinks in the middle of the week, I am still in control, but it starts the process of me thinking about getting drunk that weekend. My mind says "those 2-3 drinks were very pleasant, let's see what we can do to set up a time to have 12 drinks."

My problem is not a physical addiction. It is mental stuff. I think about alcohol many times a day, every single day. I binge drink on the weekends (will typically have 12-14 lite beers...maybe a little bit of liquor...all by myself). If I had under six beers on any given weekend and didn't constantly obsess about how much I am going to have over the weekend, then I would be fine. I can't do that, my mind just doesn't work that way.

I want to slam the door shut on the alcohol part of my life. I want to be able to get rid of that part of myself that begs for "moderate" drinking. That part of myself that says "what about parties" "what about friends" "what about New Year's" "why are you trying to quit in December during the holidays" "what about the possible health benefits of drinking" "what about those tasty White Russians" "there's a new beer on the market that you haven't tried yet." It never freaking ends.

Will posting and reading on these forums help me stay abstinent or will they just fuel my obsessive mind when it comes to alcohol? That's one concern I have...I genuinely want to help myself, not hurt myself.

It is completely sick how much I think about alcohol. In many ways, alcohol takes away more from me when I am sober than when I am drunk because during the week, I am constantly thinking about drinking rather than thinking about videography (my hobby that I never get around to because of my mind) or girls and sex. That's right...more of my mind goes toward thinking about and planning drinking than fantasizing about sex and seeking out a girlfriend. That's messed up!! I focus on work during the week because I have to...in many ways, work is the easy part of the week. It is the weekends and downtime that get me in to trouble.

I frequently find myself fantasizing about when I was a kid and felt entirely different about the world and life. I remember that I would get excited at seeing new places, things were funny--I laughed a ton all the time, and I typically had a big crush on someone at any given time. That was a real life. I really want to go back to that.

I am convinced that the reason why so many adults lose their passion and lust for life is because of alcohol. My bet is that, as Allen Carr says, many adults who are moderate drinkers suffer from low level addiction and probably have at least some preoccupation with alcohol.

I am like an abused woman who keeps coming back to her abusive boyfriend because she loves him and can't stop thinking about him...that's the perfect analogy with me and alcohol. I think that's the perfect analogy for a lot of people.

I set my sobriety date to tomorrow because I drank at 1AM this morning, so I can't count today as being sober. I am going to go out and have my two favorite drinks one last time as a way of saying goodbye to this chapter in my life and that will be it. Today I am breaking up with alcohol. I am not going to be a slave to the alcohol industry any more.