(((phyllids))) - It's not that you're unlovable, at all. I loved my XABF when I was using, he loved me, but that just wasn't enough. There was this HUGE issue in between us - I wanted recovery, he wanted "Nadine", his beloved crack pipe. I gave him moral support the few times I talked to him, but made no promises on us getting together (when he'd be in jail and making jailhouse promises).
Do I think he went out of the way to hurt me? Nope, just as I didn't when I was using people. I never used AT anyone, hurt a lot of people, but honestly, all I thought about was getting the next high. It's not an excuse, justification or anything else - it is just what it was. Sure, I realized I was hurting my loved ones, but my solution was get high and forget about it.
You do not deserve this treatment, no one does. There just comes a time when we realize we can't fix this, we can't love them into recovery, we can only do what is best for ourselves, and that often involves letting them go.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy