thank you all for the understanding replies. I am sorry that any of us suffer such loss to such a horrific reason. so senseless and cruel.
part of my process is coming to an understanding that my love for him does not need to be connected to his crack addiction. as I move forward in my life, in all of its beautiful unfolding, (and I do mean without him) I will reclaim my heart, my love, my memories. I will not deny his truth and I am sure I will see both of our truths more clearly with time. but I do know this...it was never ever my intention to send my heart into the hood with him and shove it in a pipe. yes, I gave it to him for all of the beautiful reasons, and yes, I took it back because of his use.
I get to hold my heart, I know how I love and what I love. I do not have to hold that memory in the same place as his manipulation and addiction. My love is mine and I shined it on him for awhile...