The support of others is so essential. I am going to guess that you will not be able to do this alone...that is what my sponsor told me a year ago. At the first relapse, almost two years ago I started reading everything I could possibly get my hands on and talking to everyone who would listen.
Yes, addicts need love. But there are many forms of love. The love they need is the love of fellowship of recovery. I finally decided to quit giving my love for the addict to sneak away and send up in smoke.
It has been a month. I was so afraid to let go. I was so resistant to admitting it was a lost cause (thinking my love would help him) it was shameful to me to admit I was wrong...that I hadn't listened to all the experience, strength and hope for almost two years. I was also very afraid of facing the grief...for good reason. Yes it is painful. My heart is growing, it hurts. I know it is best, for both of us to let him go.
We need help in this grief. Last night my sponsor generously sat on the phone with me for an hour while I raged and wept. Part of my process is to take my love back...it doesn't belong in the shady nasty crack hood. My heart doesn't belong in the hands of someone who is so careless and cavalier about their "program" that they leave canyon size holes in order to use. I am taking my heart back. I know why I loved him. I know my love. I don't want my love to be a destructive addiction...and when I can't stop giving it to someone who throws it into the crack pipe and burns it into lies and deception...well...I want a healthier heart than that!