Oh Grief...
Grieving the loss of my ex ABF
I struggle with this actually.
I have family and I have friends and I have acquaintances.
But my ex boyfriend addict was my favorite person in my world.
Hard to believe I'm sure.
Because I am in recovery, for alcoholism and now for codependency, I have created a community that holds me responsible and accountable.
So when he kept relapsing (he went out and used at least 8 times in two years) it finally came to a point when I knew I had to let him go.
I had to let him go because he was relapsing regularly, because of that he was an active user.
Because he was an active user and I loved him I was a "codependent enabler".
I loved him...but my love for him even though he uses tells him somehow its okay to use. That is how I enabled him. I didn't give him money. I gave him love.
In the recovery community there just isn't room for argument, that's what it feels like.
Especially since we weren't married.
Cut and dry. I feel labeled and categorized. And now that I have finally stood tall in the accountability I created I feel like I am supposed to just "Move On"
Enabler...you have no right to grieve.
But he was my favorite person, he was my partner in things that were intellectual, creative and spiritual too.
People will deny me that now, that since he was relapsing he could not have been spiritual.
I am told that I am fantasizing.
I suppose I could say that I am not entirely sure whether all the myriad ways that we spent time together were true.
Maybe he is just an evil dark horse chameleon who mirrored all the best parts of my life and engaged with me on romantic, mental, physical and spiritual levels just so he could use me...use me for love.
So now I am doing what I am told is best.
I let him go.
Soulmate with Addiction or Evil Using Chameleon
Compassion or Codependent.
I am tired of the labels.
I want to be able to grieve the loss of someone I loved dearly, I need to go through the process of denial and bargaining and anger and sorrow.
I deserve the dignity of this grief.
I will safeguard my vulnerability at this time, so that I will not go back to someone who needs to go and find recovery.
I will safeguard myself so that I can move through this and find light on the other side of this dark sorrow.
My love was stolen by crack addiction.
My love was my love.
Maybe I did not see clearly enough, quickly enough.
Maybe I had to learn.
But I am grieving none the less.
I pray for anyone who has to carry the burden of shame, of labeling, as they move through the grief that is the loss of love.