Now, 15 years later, I am able to look back on it all and realize that I have become an insane 'addict' of sorts (yet nothing to do with MY drinking any alcohol). Crazy spending sprees that make me feel sick. Extreme behavior with food. Extreme behavior with all sorts of things. Having no control or willpower over anything. I'm tougher than I've ever had to be and while that's a bonus from the little 'Codie' who was afraid of her own shadow - am I in this place to teach myself a lesson or something? Things I would NEVER have tolerated before, I constantly must.
I was deeply moved by your honest post. What I've learned from my own addictions is that they are a way of not feeling my feelings. Of not being present for the sadness, fear, anxiety and self-hatred. And because of these feelings self-sabotaging is part of it ... it is part of self-hatred.
It's a big step that you understand these things about yourself, trust me. Because now you can change and grow. I strongly suggest Al-anon and therapy. Trust me, you will change and you are a valuable person. Everyone knows that but you but I promise, when you do the work self-esteem grows quickly.