Thanks for the amazing thought provoking replies!
I must change that to say that I was never really normal in the sense that I have experienced all kinds of turmoil over the years, but rather that I could deal with it. I made decisions. I earned a good living. I survived endings of relationships, and most of all - I didn't walk on eggshells. I believed in the future, beyond what I was going through, and felt that I would survive for a new chapter.
Now, I'm constantly in a tailspin. I've lost both my parents within the past 5 years (my mother just 2 1/2 short months ago), and was so caught up with the A that I doubt I grieved 'properly'. It's like the A's life consumes me and I don't have time or energy to deal with my own issues.
Yes Willy - I've seriously considered antidepressants, but have been on them before and the side effects create a whole new level of dysfunction.
Where at one time I was highly sensitive, I now feel like a bit of a shell. Just going through the motions without much feeling, yet every once in a while I get very angry and that almost motivates me to make a change. The A gets scared when I am angry, but then gets angry that I am 'emoting'. So I am not 'allowed' to experience any negative emotions where he's concerned and yet that's where most of them stem from (so I suppress).
Thanks Chronsweet for relating and sharing your story. It is difficult to plunge into this 'world'. I've been through a lot in my years, but nothing like dealing with an addict and it has damaged my good boundaries. For that, I am so disappointed in myself.
And Anvil - thanks for calling a spade - a spade. I must have that willingness to do whatever it takes, yet admit that I am so overwhelmed that it's difficult. I do not understand why I should stay another day and feel I would be at least 50% better if I left immediately. I'm currently getting him to the door of help, yet I wonder if I really want to stay the course if or when he starts to work on himself. I can imagine that the eggshells would get even crunchier than they already are and I don't know that I would even be able to stand it. I believe that his illness IS what keeps us together and without it there is no connection. We're opposites in almost every aspect.
Like it or not, I have become addicted to the drama - it has been a great diversion from having to work on myself. The problem now is that I am far sicker than he is and I really DO need help ...
I try to work on myself for short periods of time, but they don't last long enough for there to be any real results. I read all the time, but if I cannot take action and follow through, I am no further ahead. This is where I am stifled ... inaction
