I can so relate to these paragraphs below, except i never had the "normal before" life. I regret never making it on my own-going straight from my codie relationship with my Mom to my husband. I have never been on my own.
My income is intertwined with my AH, as we have owned our small business together for 20+ years-more of it is in my name now, but i know nothing OF the business really, it has changed so much in the past couple years. I love my home & don't want to leave it-we spent 2 years of blood, sweat & tears fixing itn & 6 years here now. WHERE i live (in the woods, 2.5 acres) is part of what helps me deal-i have learned to love & appreciate all of the beautiful things in the world-wildlife, the sky, the smell in the air. It is a big part of my "therapy".
I know we may lose it all anyway-the hardest part is just repeating to myself i have no control over the future-i can do what i can day by day, deal with each thing as it comes. While my husband has been handling himself the best yet in a long time-i know better, i know "that day" is coming again.
Sometimes i get so scared i will lose control of myself-i am trying so hard to prepare myself, for whatever could be. Be happy in the moment & not take anything for granted. Times in the past when he didn't come home, i thought i would lose my mind from loneliness or that feeling of "being alone forever". I feel most times i have a much better grip on that now, but not always.
I have worked so hard on how i deal/will deal with him when he drinks again-i want to be able to go about it the smart way, from all i have learned reading here on this board. But sometimes i doubt my strength...
Originally Posted by
tryintosmile 
I'm tougher than I've ever had to be and while that's a bonus from the little 'Codie' who was afraid of her own shadow - am I in this place to teach myself a lesson or something? Things I would NEVER have tolerated before, I constantly must.
But I am now broken. My will is broken. I may be wiser, but I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this. I want to go - I'm afraid to leave. I've learned that relationships are tougher than anything, yet I don't want to live alone. I don't want to live with anyone else, because I've forgotten what it's like to be normal and I have trust issues. I feel that only another 'sick' person could 'put up with me'. I don't want another relationship to have to 'work on'. While half the time AB is telling me to 'pack my bags' if I don't like it - the other half he's 'telling' me that he loves me, needs me and can't live without me. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do with myself, and other times I can't wait 'til the day this is OVER. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because of how he might react, while others I'm afraid he'd let me go too easily.
Is this where the first STEP comes in? 'We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable'?