[QUOTE=tryintosmile;3192398]I know I have likely always had Codie tendendencies, but I DID used to know what normal was. Even though my other relationships were not the best for me - in different ways - I maintained who I was. I didn't feel sick like I do now. I was able to function fully and maintain myself and had my own sense of autonomy. I had a standard I lived up to, financially and otherwise. A good moral code. A sane outlook (most of the time - that is). I took good care of myself and I was generally comfortable. I feel that I had a sense of normalcy about my life or at least I felt like an individual. I felt a sense of control over my own life and looking back, that was priceless.QUOTE]
WOW! I could relate to your thoughts EXACTLY. I mean those words could seriously have come from my lips in every sense. In fact, 4.5 years ago, when I started seeing my current ABF, friends and family were shocked because I had always had it soooo together. And then, I met this guy who seemed exciting, fun, on the edge and I hadn't experienced anything but normalcy in so long that I lept in without even thinking about the consequences. I did NOT know his circumstances because he didn't reveal to me that his job sucked and he barely went, that his mom paid his rent, that he had had to move three thousand miles away from his birthplace to escape the throws of heroin addiction after overdosing a few times, did not know that all he thought about was partying, going out and that his dreams of grandeur of being a music producer were just talk to make him seem more than he was. I had NEVER hung out with this type of person. All my friends were of a working variety, though some drank on the weekends and did the occassional "let's go out and party once every five years." But on workdays and for most of life it was about responsibility. I had firefighters as friends, construction workers who operated big tractors, accountants and vice presidents of BIG corporations as family members and friends.
I was really blindsighted. My ABF's mom kind of 'enlisted' me to help her son. She would take me on trips because she said she knew her son 'wanted' to but just couldn't afford it (ya think??). She would buy me gifts for him. She lives in another state but visits often and so she always made it seem like they were such a nice and close knit family who liked to have a good time. Very surreal after I realized that she is his main enabler in life and basically validates his behavior and treats him like he is 10.
So, I completely understand where you are coming from when you say you were always kind of co-dependent. I think the difference in my prior life was that the people I was surrounded by were generally good people who cared about me and would never EVER lay their problems at my doorstep. So, when our parents used to tell us to choose our friends wisely, their was a lesson to learn there for sure. I had always, before ABF, only let people into my life who served some kind of positive purpose in my life experiences. Perhaps, that is what Al-Anon is about you know, or some other kind of therapy. It is to enhance what we know and what we should be expecting from ourselves in terms of what is acceptable company. We can bond with others, as we do here on SR, who have had these very same things happen to them. What happened in almost all of our instances, I believe, is that we allowed someone toxic into our lives that are just not very responsible and have found someone who is. In our cases, we are helpful, genuine people who have been taken for granted for that very kindness. Because we would never lay our problems at someone's feet, we can't understand why this person we care so much about seems to not care that they are destroying US with THEIR problems.
Sorry to ramble on and on, but your post really touched me because I could so much relate to you and what you are going through. I know I need to go to Al-Anon but I keep finding excuses. Maybe it is that I still feel like I can FIX this situation. I am really getting over that feeling to fix things and to just accept them. But, I know when I go to Al-Anon, and I know I will, or I go to a therapist again, I know that I will finally have to face MY feelings and my own guilt for allowing this into my life. I don't agree with going to get meds from a psychiatrist unless you really feel your imbalanced and can't work on yourself and can't function. I think those things are addictive and that kind of brings us to the same level of disfunction that we are trying to escape from with our A's. I don't want to be there, but I do understand that some people need them.
Just keep posting, keep reading, keep reflecting and keep in your mind a vision of what you want and need out of life.
HUGS and thinking of you this morning.