So sorry for how things are going with you, I used to do the same things, I was diagnosed with depression and placed on Prozac, it made a huge difference in my outlook, it allowed me to function like a "normal person", I stopped sabotaging my relationships and my career. If you have not seen a psychiatrist and a therapist then please consider going, it could make a huge difference.
I will be here if you need someone to vent to or talk with.
Best of luck to you,
Bill