tryintosmile

I know I have likely always had Codie tendendencies, but I DID used to know what normal was. Even though my other relationships were not the best for me - in different ways - I maintained who I was. I didn't feel sick like I do now. I was able to function fully and maintain myself and had my own sense of autonomy. I had a standard I lived up to, financially and otherwise. A good moral code. A sane outlook (most of the time - that is). I took good care of myself and I was generally comfortable. I feel that I had a sense of normalcy about my life or at least I felt like an individual. I felt a sense of control over my own life and looking back, that was priceless.

I don't think it was more than 6 months with my AB that I started changing. My whole world felt thrown upside down, and yet I couldn't put my finger on it. It was the control, lots of 'little things' and several big ones here and there, but yet I still didn't relate it to the alcohol on such a huge level. I knew he drank heavily and that his moods changed, but I was still blind to how much the alcohol was destroying ME - even more than it seemed to be destroying him.

Now, 15 years later, I am able to look back on it all and realize that I have become an insane 'addict' of sorts (yet nothing to do with MY drinking any alcohol). Crazy spending sprees that make me feel sick. Extreme behavior with food. Extreme behavior with all sorts of things. Having no control or willpower over anything. I'm tougher than I've ever had to be and while that's a bonus from the little 'Codie' who was afraid of her own shadow - am I in this place to teach myself a lesson or something? Things I would NEVER have tolerated before, I constantly must.

But I am now broken. My will is broken. I may be wiser, but I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this. I want to go - I'm afraid to leave. I've learned that relationships are tougher than anything, yet I don't want to live alone. I don't want to live with anyone else, because I've forgotten what it's like to be normal and I have trust issues. I feel that only another 'sick' person could 'put up with me'. I don't want another relationship to have to 'work on'. While half the time AB is telling me to 'pack my bags' if I don't like it - the other half he's 'telling' me that he loves me, needs me and can't live without me. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do with myself, and other times I can't wait 'til the day this is OVER. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because of how he might react, while others I'm afraid he'd let me go too easily.

Is this where the first STEP comes in? 'We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable'? Why am I still having so much trouble admitting this, when I, myself, haven't had a drop in over 10 years? I've been to Al-anon, but have not felt comfortable there. I don't like the structure of it. I don't feel as though I belong there. When I'm there, I can't believe that's what is going to help change my 'stinkin' thinkin'. I know I need help and almost everyone here raves about it, but it doesn't feel like the 'right' help for me. I do know that I need to do the Steps and not by myself at first - but I don't like that setting. I DO learn some things but have trouble integrating them into my daily life (I try). I also feel that it is not enough and I need something more intensive. I need more personal attention and interaction. I need a sort of 'rehab' of my own. Has anyone found another way? Why do I keep avoiding this? I just feel it isn't going to work for me. Talk about confusion ... I know I'm sabotaging myself, yet I feel helpless to stop it.