Geeez Ivan you and I sound exactly alike! When I would first get my stash I would "reward" myself and take as many as I wanted. Often times I would actually get sick to my stomach because I took too many........some reward right? I would rationalize that tomorrow I'll take less and it'll even out. Problem was, I had no self control. Before I knew it, I was out again and scrambling to find more. If I was the one calling my dealer, he would tell me that he had to make some calls but of course he'd always find some but the price was always higher. I didn't care......name your price. I too am relieved not to have to live in panic mode all the time. I was blowing through the pills faster than I could get them, or afford them. I'm really nervous about Christmas this year. I have to go back home and spend the holidays with my mother. She and I never really gotten along, but that's a long story. For the past 12 years, I always made sure I had plenty of pills to make the trip back home and get through all of the "festivities" if you can call it that. I've actually come to hate Christmas. I've always mAde excuses why this is not a good time to quit. Holidays, birthdays, big job coming up, pretty much anything was a valid excuse. This time, even though Christmas is just around the corner, I've decided that there is NO excuse good enough to keep using. If I don't bring any with me, there's no chance I can get any. I'm leaving the country. No safety net. I know I'm rambling, my thoughts are scrambled. I apologize. Thanks for letting me vent.