Tigger41

In my second day of sobriety I went to lunch with friend and told her I had stopped drinking. She was the first person I told (she’s been sober for >20 years). When we were talking I said “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend” – it was so weird to hear myself say that because I had never thought of it that way. I’ve pondered over that a fair amount this past month and I’ve seen some other alcoholics indicate they feel the same way. I searched and found that someone had written a kind of a letter and wanted to try it myself – I found it quite cathartic. Here’s my “letter”… read if you wish

I met her when I was just a teenager and my gosh we totally hit it off. We were so young, maybe 13 or 14 and she seemed to like me so much and I needed a friend about then. When we hung out together I felt part of the crowd and I didn’t care what other people thought about me or how my home life was. She wasn’t around much during the week as I was busy with sports, band and school, but she was with me every weekend. She’d show up just about every Friday and Saturday night unless I was busy with my family. She liked my friends as well and they welcomed her, she was always along for the ride with me and my other friends.

She was a blast sometimes, but she was also got me into trouble, made me say things I shouldn’t or do things I would regret. I spent too much time with her the night before my college exams and paid for that with low scores, she kept me out too late and sometimes had me hanging out with the wrong people, but she seemed worth it at the time. Sometimes when I tried to avoid her I’d see her with someone else and I’d be jealous and chase back after her wanting to make sure we hadn’t lost our friendship. And we’d get in tight again. She’d always let me back into her circle.

Yes, she gave me the courage to say things I normally wouldn’t say and helped dull the pain of some things I was going through. There were times where we lost touch for a while, but thoughts of her would drift into my mind and she’d be back like she had never left. Like she was on the edge of my consciousness, waiting until I noticed her and welcomed her again.

I got married and had children and life got mundane and soon we were hanging out every night. Not all night, just for a while. We’d sit and relax, mellow out; I deserved to be with my friend. And the night with her would just slip away. If I even just heard her name and I would miss her and want to be with her. I would have my kids go watch TV or just tell them to leave me alone for awhile because I needed to be with my friend right then – I needed some “me” time. But, she started getting more and more intrusive; more and more demanding… the relationship was taking a turn and I wasn’t sure I liked where we were headed, but I stuck by her.

She made me want to stay home and just be with her alone, or go places where I knew she would be. I felt like I didn’t have a say anymore as to whether she was there. She just showed up, on vacations, out at the park, at the movies. She started pushing my children out of the way to get in, then my partner, then my hobbies or anything else that took up my time. She was getting bolder and more demanding of my time and energy. I was getting resentful of our relationship. From the outside, it looked like I wanted to be around her all the time and that I had control of the relationship, but I didn't. Sure, I was still spending time with her and we were having a few laughs but I was getting annoyed, angry even, every time I turned around there she was.

A few months back my 10 year old son asked me to stop hanging out with her. He said he didn’t like how I acted around her and he didn’t think she was good for me. I had to think about that for awhile because she’s been around a lot longer than he has you see. But I decided that he was right – the relationship had to go, I had also seen the end coming but didn't want to admit it. So after 35 years of friendship I decided to “break up” with her. Told her right to her face. Oh, she was pissed, she didn't want to break up. She screamed and yelled and said all sorts of things. She said it wasn’t her – that it was my family that was being too demanding, the kids too selfish, the job too consuming. She said that only she understood me, that if I let her go I’d feel empty and alone and scared and unprotected. She said I wouldn’t know what to do with my time and I’d be calling her - that I'd be begging her to come back - she said she'd wait for me. Cried and told me she'd miss me so.

She’s tried to talk her way back in at all hours of the day and night but I haven’t let her – won’t even pick up the phone when I see it’s her. I’m listening to my new friends on the SR site - they know her all too well; know her tricks and how she manipulates. So, even though she still looks beautiful to me and so many people are chasing after her, I realize that she isn’t really my friend; we want different things from life now. It makes me sad sometimes and sometimes I miss her – but those feelings pass and I know I’m so much better off – so much happier without her in my life

So Goodbye alcohol, I've outgrown you. I look forward to finding myself again, playing with my children and re-connecting with my partner.