Hi everyone. I wanted to thank you for the encouragment and support while I was on vacation over the Thanksgiving weekend. I didn't have much time/opportunity to post, but whenever I did, you guys were always there to help me, and everyone's comments helped me stay sober.
The long weekend was full of a lot of excitement/newness. My boyfriend and I drove up to a "neighboring" city (a rather long drive) to meet up with my sister, who flew in from the East Coast, and her best friend, who lives in that city. It was the first time my boyfriend and sister met each other, and the first time he met her friends and my friends who live in that city, as well as my first time meeting some of his relatives that live in that city.
Every single day, people were drinking. I found myself noticing who was and wasn't drinking, and how much, and wondering why, etc. It was like I was obsessed with other people's drinking. I told them I wasn't drinking because I am trying to improve my anxiety-related sleep disorder, which is true, but I kept wondering if they all thought I was some kind of alcoholic freak. :-/ My sister couldn't believe I wasn't drinking... she kept alternating between saying "I'm so proud of you" and "WHY are you not drinking? Are you pregnant??!" She told me she had never seen me not drinking, and also that she had never seen me so "calm." I took these things as compliments.
Most of the time I didn't want to drink, but on Friday night, while everyone was hanging out and drinking, I did want to drink, and came and posted here. Then we all started playing a funny board game and I forgot about not drinking! I was having a good time sober. On Saturday night we went out to dinner and a comedy show, and then everyone else wanted to go to a bar. I hesitated because I didn't want to be around that, but I also didn't want to be a spoilsport. I went and for most of the time I felt okay/good about not drinking, although periodically I would want a drink. On both Friday and Saturday nights, once my sister got tipsy/drunk, she would say "Aww I shouldn't be drinking, to support you in not drinking." I would just laugh and say "Thanks for the sentiment, now that you're drunk."
I realized that I have to stay sober no matter what anyone else does or doesn't do, but, I must admit it is hard to be the only one not drinking, and I was wishing there were a couple more abstainers so I wouldn't feel so weird. My sister's best friend wasn't very drunk and asked me how I put up with everyone sober, and said she could never do it. I said it's sometimes hard!! Ha. My boyfriend got very drunk on Saturday night and I got rather annoyed, feeling like I am always the responsible one, who remembers where we parked and drives us home etc. and I just wanted to go home and go to bed, but I was driving us, so we stayed until the bar closed.
Yesterday we met up for brunch with a friend of mine from college who lives there, and they had mimosas and bloody marys and I had coffee. Then we were supposed to be getting on our way back home and I just hit some kind of emotional wall. My boyfriend and I had been talking about my friend from college who is a huge partier... she goes to Burning Man every year and attends "burner events" every weekend... I was telling him how I am amazed at how many drugs she always does yet she holds down a good job and seems "normal," whereas all the burner friends she introduces me to seem more like slackers who don't have jobs, and none of them have families... and my boyfriend made some comments like "Maybe they don't want families, maybe they are happy going out all the time, what's so great about having a good job and a family anyway?" and I just lost it.
I just started crying and saying I'm afraid that we want different things, because when I met him I was a big party girl, although I had been trying/was trying to change things, and now I am really serious about changing things, but I fear that he wants the girl he met (he had even made a comment that I don't sound like I did when he first met me, and I said, "I'm not! The problem is that I don't want to be that girl any more, but I don't know who I am, or who I'll become, or if you'll still want me, or if we'll just be too different to be together...") I was really honest with him (which I am always am... that is a great thing I love about our relationship) and told him about discussions I'd had with my sister and her friend about not drinking... her friend had said she likes the first warm moment when she drinks a rum and coke and feels happy and warm inside... and I told my boyfriend, I wish I could be like that, but once I get that feeling it just makes me want even more, and more and more and more... and my boyfriend said he doesn't even get that feeling, until he gets really drunk and then he just keeps drinking to try to get more of the feeling... I said, I wish I could drink normally, but I can't. And I feel like alcohol was my best friend who would help me cope with everything, and now I don't have that, so I feel completely lost, and unsure how to deal with things, although I'm really trying.
I said I know for sure I don't want my old life of partying all the time, because it was empty, and I'm beginning to see why "normal" people, who I used to think were "boring," are happier than I am, because they value connections with family and friends and can do little things I can't do, like go to bed on time and get a good night's sleep and keep their house clean etc... I feel like an elementary schooler trying to learn everything for the first time, and I get frustrated when he says things I may want in the future are boring or "no fun," because I'm learning that life is not just about fun, and that you can't really be happy if you're only looking for the next thrill. He said he doesn't know why he says those things, he does want lasting relationships and a family etc., but he's just afraid to go after what he really wants, and it's easier to stay the way he always has been. On the drive home I talked to him about AA and what I'm learning and how it's helped me, and it was nice to be able to talk to him about this stuff and kind of remind myself out loud why I'm staying sober. He said he thinks he needs to cut back down on his drinking or maybe stop altogether, and that he needs to change his thinking so it's more positive.
I just thought it was weird that all weekend I was thinking it was pretty "easy" to stay sober... I was even worried that once I got home it would be harder since I wasn't on vacation or with my sister etc... and then at the end of the weekend I just start crying and saying how hard it is. It's really weird! But anyway that was my weekend and I am rather happy to be back so that I can work on improving the little things in my daily life and going to meetings etc. I am being patient with myself and trying to change little things at a time instead of having these huge expectations/goals that feel overwhelming. Thanks again for everyone's support.