ccyou1022:
Sounds like the drinking is making you even more depressed. Where do you get the pain pills? From a physician? Does he or she know of your drinking? I would say that the first thing is to be honest with your physician or, if you don't have one, get one, hopefully with experience in treating depression and addiction. The second thing I would suggest is that you consider joining some kind of group of recovering persons with addiction problems. I can't say whether you have such a problem. Only you can make that determination. But I think it would help you think things out if you had the support of a group. It need not be an AA group but often such a group is helpful if you find one which is congenial and where you feel comfortable.
I would think that the wine only makes things worse for you. If you need medication let the doctor decide what you should have and how much. Remember however that if you are addicted pills won't cure you. Indeed they may do nothing more than feed that addiction. Make sure you have a doctor who appreciates this. If you do these things then hopefully things will get better for you. And do keep in touch with this website.
You say that when you are sober you wish to die. If you find yourself feeling that way, I hope you share that on this website. It's completely confidential and anonymous. There are folks on this website who can help you out in that situation. Good luck.
W.