Please help
I don't know where to start. I feel so much pain for the loss of my girlfriend of two years. The relationship, to be honest, she should have probably ended a long time ago. Most girls would have ended the relationship at the first sign of my troubles with alcohol and drugs. *But she stuck around. For two years she stayed with me through all my drunken behaviors, drug use, and constant breaking up w her and breaking plans and promises to her. *I am good person, intelligent, and I didn't treat her bad when we were together. *We got along great and were a great match. But I would constantly break up with her, telling her I was confused and didn't know if I wanted to be in a serious relationship. I would keep little or no contact with her for about a week or so, go get drunk a few times, then I would ask her back telling her i was sorry. *This happened many times. (i never cheated on her though and never had a relationship on the side or anything) But finally, after the last and probably most hurtful of all the times I broke up with her, she met someone at her work a week later that really liked her and appreciated her. So this time when I tried to get back with her, she told me she had met someone. *But I still tried to get her back. *She tried to take me back buy I could tell this time was different. *Her feelings for me were not the same and I could tell. When she told me I probably had to let her go, I completely broke down. *I couldn't believe I was losing the most precious thing in my life (which i didn't realize before, but was realizing now). *I completely broke down. *I stopped drinking and when to my first AA meeting and my first MA meeting (marijuana anonymous). *I decided to stop smoking and drinking and I tried to get her back but it was too late.*
Another note: I quit my job in late August, a good job, *prob due to my marijuana use, which has always kept me from holding down jobs.*
So I lost my gf, *I'm going thru withdrawals, depression, and i am broke with no job.*
It has been about a month now since I last smoked weed. *The pain has been excruciating. I don't know why I decided to stick with not smoking even after I knew the relationship was over. *After she broke up with me I became severely depressed, due to the break up and due to the withdrawals from marijuana. It's like a double cause. Twice the pain. A week and a half after the break up and after I stopped smoking I had a break down and ended up in the county psychiatric facility for three days. After I got out she, I spoke with my ex (she didn't know I was in there and i didn't tell her). We talked and I told her that if I had to move on I would, but she told me that she didn't know what she wanted. She said that if she knew she didn't want to be with me that she would be honest and tell me that, but that she honestly was confused and didn't know what she wanted. *I don't know how or why; but somehow i must have persuaded her to try and work things out, and she agreed she would stop talking to the other guy she met and try to work things out with me. *This didn't work and i could tell her feelings for me were just not the same. Ultimately I found out she had been taking to both of us for the past week and a half. She told me she couldn't stop taking to the other guy and she felt too interested/curious in what she had with him and she wanted to give him a chance. *I guess she wanted to keep taking to both of us because she said she as confused and wasn't sure what she wanted. *I told this was really hard for me to stick around while she was talking to another guy as well. *We have stopped talking recently and i know she has chosen the other guy. *I know I have lost her and and I knew I had lost her once I could tell her feelings for me were not there anymore. *I tried to get her back but in the back of my mind I knew it was over, she didn't love me the same way anymore. *
The pain and emotional loss is so great right now. I lost an amazingly great girl. *I know I didn't treat her right and never appreciated what i had. When they say "you don't know what u have until it's gone" is so true for me in this case. *She was such a pretty girl, great person and she loved me very deeply. She kept taking me back after all the times I hurt her. *Family, friends and coworkers would always tell me how great of a girl she was. *My family member would tell me often not to mess it up with her, they told me how great of a girl she was and to realize what I had. But I still didn't listen. I still didn't appreciate what I had. *Now that she is gone I am in so much pain. I am constantly depressed. *I can't stop thinking about her and what I have lost.
It has been about a month since I stopped drinking and smoking marijuana. I feel so much emotional pain. *I know could easily go get some weed and start smoking again and I would feel a lot better and it would help me get through this. (I have been smoking almost every day for the past 10 years. I'm 28 now) *But for some reason I'm not sure if I want to. I have been going to drug counseling and am about to begin a co-occurring disorder program that was recommended to me at which i will be able to see a therapist along with drug counseling. I can't wait to start therapy because I am in so much pain. *I feel so heart broken. I know if I smoke it will help supress my emotions. I am probably feeling extra emotional bcuz i haven't smoked for a month for the first time in 10 years. I feel like i've been a walking zombie. *Weed has always given me a sense of identity and relaxation. It always helps me put things in perspective, allows me think and concentrate. I don't even know who I am anymore. *Should I go back to smoking? The pain from heart break is so strong. *I'm super depressed, i can't sleep well, I constantly break down crying and I can't stop thinking about my gf and what I have lost. *The pain is unbearable, she was such a great girl and she loved me so much. *And I threw it all away. *I miss her sooo much. *I lost her and I don't know what to do. *I know i will never find such a great girl that loves me as much as she did. I miss her so much. *I am in so much pain.*
Please help...