Welcome to SR!
Oddly enough I didn't really realize how much the insanity of addiction was eating away at me until I started trying to quit. I know that living in that limbo between wanting to be clean and wanting to use is pure hell. I was addicted to alcohol, but I think the beast is pretty similar.
I'm glad you're posting now, I hope you keep it up. There's a lot of great support here and a lot of wisdom.