*sigh*
I'm 53 + sober for almost 20yrs. AH and I have been together also for almost 20 yrs. He has struggled with his sobriety but managed to get chunks of time in at times (has always been in AA). The last chunk was 3 1/2 yrs. It ended 2 months ago when he came home from work drunk. He managed to get his 30 day chip and then came home from work stoned huffing paint thinner of all things (scares the hell out of me!)
I have been in + out of Al-anon for many years and it just happened that the day of my first meeting back was the day he came home drunk. How's that for a God Shot? I don't drive so I HAVE to call people for rides to meetings - I am getting better at it (I am NOT a people person by nature!) I am now averaging 3 meetings a week.
I HATE going to meetings!!!! I want to stay and hide in my apartment. But I go. I go to meetings and I sit there and cry. I went to my women's AA meeting last Friday and cried so hard that I couldn't talk - they wanted to take me to the hospital. People hug me. They talk to me. They reassure me. They give me their phone number and tell me to call. They answer the phone when I do or they call me back if they're not home. Maybe meetings aren't so bad after all?
AH went on an AA Men's Retreat this weekend and that has always fired him up in the past. I pray that it does now. I don't want to ride this roller coaster any more. My chest hurts constantly from the panic and wondering . . .
One thing that really really hurts is that until a month ago, I have ALWAYS believed in him, that he could DO IT, that he would GET IT THIS TIME. Now, I just don't. And that hurts SO MUCH.
*sigh*