lulu70

Hey all--I have been having a lot of "stinkin thinkin" going on and it is really scaring me. I know I need to get some of it out of my head, but don't feel like talking to someone f2f right now. So, you guys are gonna get it--watch out!!!

I think I might be having some sort of identity crisis. I don't really want to drink, but at least when I was drinking I knew who I was--I was a drunk. Now I don't know what I want. I am irritable and discontent. On the outside, I think I look like I am holding it all together, but on the inside I feel like I am falling apart.

I just came from a barbeque at a friends house where I was one of two people not drinking. The last time I was in such a situation, I was fine--this time I felt like an alien. (so don't get in those situations, you say) Well, the problem is I have been feeling like an alien in ALL situations lately. I DO NOT want to go back to drinking--I was an obnoxious drunk. I threw up, got black eyes and didn't know where they came from, I passed out and wet the bed, I put my daughter in the car and drove her places (to the store to get more beer), I got DWI's, I slept with men I didn't even know, I couldn't pay my bills, I was sick all the time.....on and on it goes.

Life is so much better now. Why would I even consider drinking or smoking pot? What do I think is going to be different? Why can't I take it easy on myself and know that this is supposed to bed hard? Essentially, I guess I am doing 15 years of growing up, and it is happening very fast. I think I am having growing pains.

Maybe I am just sitting on the pity pot and refuse to get up. Maybe I just need someone to kick my butt. I don't know. I DO NOT want to go back. Thanks for listening.

Hugs to all--