Originally Posted by
Saliena 
Sometimes I don't get it... Why do I listen to my acholic brain? God I need to stop... last night I relapsed and I am super sad about that. I really need to really get it. I honestly had the best 3 weeks in my life this past 3 weeks. Why can I not truly get it?
Well, its not so much I simply listened to my alcoholic brain, and like an idiot just went and drank like some fool. There was more to it. I fought against my obsession and compulsions to drink. I fought against my feelings and thoughts swirling around about drinking. I fought against myself about why and why not I should or could have another drink, another drunk, another day of drinking.
I've been sober many years now, and I'll tell you I was never ready to get sober by stopping drinking. I had to surrender the fight. I had to lose so I could win. I was beat by alcohol and alcoholism.
I wasn't ready to die drunk, that is what got me to give up. I could see after years of trying to quit drinking, I was gonna die drunk sooner or later. My experiences with booze absolutely was the writing on the wall for me.
Mental hospital. Jail. Detox. Crazy. Physically burnt out. Emotional mess. No job. Family and friends done with me. No money. No home. Just me and booze. And I still wanted to be drunk even as I did my final detox and got into rehab and finally sobered up. After enough continuous sobriety, living with sobriety, only then did my want for drink start to ease off.
Just want to tell you that for some of us, getting ready to quit drinking never happens, and I would have died drunk, my worst fear come true, because I never could stay sober just by wanting to quit drinking.
Maybe you're different. Maybe you're the same.
For me then, giving up the fight, and facing that I would always want to drink anyways, no matter what, and I still had to get sober, that was the thing that actually got me going in the right direction to actually become sober.
I was already washed up at 15 years old. I sobered up my last time at 24. I'm 30 years sober now, no relapse, no slip, and I did not get here today by starting with "quitting drinking."
I absolutely wanted to drink and I stopped anyways is how it worked for me. Now of course I'm still stopped AND I dont want to drink. Its been that way for decades now. Best of both eventually, lol.
You might want to look into surrender, and see if that works for you. Anyways, sorry for your troubles, getting sober is a tough thing to accomplish. All the best to you.