Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate Lionne's understanding of the sensory elements of this. I use alcohol to escape from a job that I love but that will devour me given half a chance. I am working on finding pleasant alternative escapes. Bubble baths are important. Narratives are important. Even watching my one soap opera (mindless though it is) is important. But today my little drawn on ******** is faded and on the drive home I was having serious challenges as I faced the evening--but I looked at my faded pen drawing and felt the commitment again.
I love TU's idea that the N should mean "never." I'm about ready to face an alcohol-driven office activity next week. Today people were gathered talking about it and talking about drinking. These are not people who normally drink together and they're looking forward to the party. I couldn't comment as I am not sure what I'll say. I just smiled. The party will be amusing. I will not drink.
I'm as committed as I have ever been and my little ******** idea is not just to stop me, but to remind me that my life is so much better sober. Even today, five days in, I found myself exhaling as if I had just caught my breath.