Hi SecretLife Welcome. I felt that same shame and guilt and I know exactly what you are saying. My drug use was oxycontin but started with lesser pain meds many, many years before. I had my big wake-up call when my Mom had a heart attack. My very first thought was not about my Mom, it was "I hope I have enough pills to last me through this" I was just mortified at myself!!
One of the best things that coming to this site did was let me realize that I was an addict and NOT the horrible bad person I was feeling I was. I went to my Dr. and told him I was an addict and I needed help to stop. This was the very same Dr. who had been prescribing for me for many years. We talked about my pain, or I should say for me it was lack of it. It had been so long I couldn't even remember what pain I had had!!
With his help I did stop, cold turkey. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. It's been over 2 years now and without any narcotic in my system for no reason, amazingly Advil Liqui-Gels work just fine.
In my case I didn't have any real chronic pain (I was prescribed after a surgery) but there are many people here who have and do. No one is a bad person or a bad Mom or a bad Dad. We are all addicts in some shape or form. And we are all working in many different ways to get help, get clean and stay clean.
There are so many kind, caring people here, in all stages of addiction and recovery and from all walks of life. And we all care about each other and are there for each other. Pull up a chair and stay awhile. OK?
...Ruby...