Tuffgirl

I won't speak for Shannon, but I will share what I see in her and what I've done myself. Shannon is working a strong recovery program herself, staying on her side of the street, having no expectations of her AH except for what she already has experienced (drinking, blame, etc). She focuses on herself and what she can change, leaving behind the things she can't. It's been awesome to watch from the outside looking in.

My ES&H: well, first of all, take a giant step back away from him. Maybe he isn't ready to talk about the letter. That's ok. He got it, he read it, and it probably caused great shame and remorse, especially having it circulated through the recovery center. Ouch! Could you imagine if you were him under that circumstance? He was the one writing that letter? Sometimes we, on our side, forget in the midst of our own issues, what it must be to be on that side of the street.

:Sorry you feel that way" is a big first step for men in early recovery. It is the first step to acknowledging someone else's feelings outside of your own. Dismissive to someone so articulate and aware of her emotions - YES! So let that answer be ok - for now. He isn't where you are at. It make take him a long time to be where you are at. It may never happen. These things take time.

Heck, change takes time. His first and foremost priority right now is staying sober. There is a reason recovery program say not to have a relationship in the first year...it adds too much stress and situations where there are no effective coping skills in place yet. He may need to "avoid" you to stay away from situations that he doesn't know how to handle yet. That's ok, too.

Florence, if you want this to work, you have to be prepared for a long time of bumpy stops and starts, and you'll need to have your own support around you to help you achieve your own serenity throughout this process. Maybe find a counselor you can work with during this time? Al-Anon is great, as usual, but to each our own preferences!

Patience and empathy are key - and I know for me those were the two hardest things to put into place. I had to literally give up my own expectations of what my marriage should look like and what I thought was a successful recovery and stand back...let him figure this out on his own, on his own time, in his own way. WOW that has been hard for a controlling type-A woman that I am! ; )

Focus on yourself - your own recovery, your life, your family, what you can control (you) and what you can't (everyone else).

Stay strong!
~T